UPDATE: The next day I had some buddies around the zone and saw that that 3/4 of that whole face had wet slid. . . Yea I think I had the feeling for a reason
You talk with a buddy and solidify plans on putting in a long ski tour for the day. Wake up at 4am and on trail at 5:30. Skin by headlamp for an hour and a half to watch first light on the beautiful peaks surrounding you. Hours and hours and thousands of vertical feet pass and finally you break treeline. Stunning. A weird feeling starts to make its way into the back of your head but you ignore it. Eventually you and your buddy make eye contact with the days objective. Your eyes drool as you feast on the sight of the mountain. A little feeling is still in the back of your head. "I'm not feeling 100% sure about this right now", you say to your buddy. "I have a weird little feeling". A quick break and a reassessment. No red flags, snow has a slight crust on top but feeling good. You both decide to push on and continually assess. Step after step with your skins you both make it to the top of the apron. Snow still feeling good but heating up. The little feeling still in the back of your head. You talk with your partner who is still feeling pretty good about the objective. "Lets did a pit", you say. A pit is dug to reveal some pretty good conditions. Still no red flags. The weird feeling still there. You talk with your partner and reassess. "Lets keep pushing on and keep communication open". A few switchbacks get set. The weird feeling in the back of your head now speaks. "You shouldn't be here right now". You want to ignore it. Everything has been feeling good. The snow feels pretty good. The snowpit looked pretty good. Why am I having this feeling? You then ask yourself, "what do I do"? And now I ask you fellow readers...what would you do?? The mind is a powerful thing and the mountains have an energy in which I cannot fathom. Everytime I go out I try and learn from them. Today was especially a weird one for me. I can't explain it but I just had this feeling in my gut that I could not shake. Nothing throughout the day showed me a sign of doubt and somehow this feeling just overcame me. I don't think it was fear but I cannot explain what caused it. I didn't want my feeling to turn Frank around either and so I kept telling him that if he felt good he should push on. I had finally made the decision to bail. A decision that is very hard but the more and more I am in the mountains the more I am ok with it. Knowing that Frank was going to get the line was hard for me to make that decision as well. All the work for nothing? Wrong, I had to keep telling myself. Just enjoy the surroundings and beautiful day that you are a part of. I made the decision, transitioned, dropped and rode down the apron and onto a little bench where I would sit and hang out for Frank to finish the line. How badly did I just want to go right back up there? Very. For the next hour I just couldn't stop thinking about my decision and what led up to it, ect.. For those backcountry users out there that know the feeling of skiing a new line, imagine that feeling flipped 180 degrees. Dissappointment, regret, shame. These feelings and more just flood your mind. But then I had to just sit there and look around and smile. Its a beautiful world we live in, and I want to be a part of it as long as I can...... Frank reached the summit about an hour later. Watching him ski down I was very happy to see that he pushed on and skied the line. At the same time that 180 degree flip of feelings was still there. Why did I have that weird feeling? Should I have turned around? These thoughts never left my head and are still lingering now. I was and still am pretty bummed. On the way out I spotted a little pinner line and Frank was so kind to give me 30 minutes to boot and ski it. I had to get my spirit back. Today was a weird day in the mountains for me mentally and spiritually. I would love for anybody reading this to chime in with any feedback or to share any similar past experiences. 10 hrs later i'm glad to have had another beautiful day hanging out in the mountains and thats what I have to keep telling myself. The line will always be there to ski another day... Great job Frank!!
UPDATE: The next day I had some buddies around the zone and saw that that 3/4 of that whole face had wet slid. . . Yea I think I had the feeling for a reason
2 Comments
Big Bro
2/2/2015 07:27:26 am
Don't fret! You made the right decision. What you seem to be feeling, in my opinion, is called "expert intuition."
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Keith
2/12/2015 11:23:30 am
I think going with your gut is always the right choice. Like you said, we live in an amazing place, and the longer we're around to enjoy it the better. I guess the downside is that if Frank had gotten into trouble it would have taken you longer than he would have had to get to him, but at the same time, if you're having self-doubts then you're already off your game and that could be just enough to make the situation even worse. Anyway, I'll never judge anyone who makes a safety call and says no, and I don't think many other people who get out there would either.
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Justin Ibarra
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